Nurturing Friendships

The six of us had finished our mural walk, spending two hours in the blistering heat on the Richmond streets, looking for beautiful paintings on the sides of homes, stores and restaurants. We were all in various stages of recovery from our adventure--one person with eyes stinging from sunscreen dripping down from her forehead, another with a throbbing toe from an injury that didn't seem so critical yesterday and the rest of us happily shivering in the sudden coolness of the restaurant.

I looked around the table at everyone--all red-faced but glad to be together-- talking about what we had just accomplished despite the weather. It was our retirement group from work and two folks were new to the mix; they appeared quite at home. As this month's coordinator I had invited all twenty-five or so retirees from our therapist group and six were available to celebrate the September theme, "Not having to go back to school." Every month or so we meet and it's usually a core group plus a sprinkling of less-frequent attendees, which adds an interesting variety to our conversation.

Lately I've been thinking of how many friends I've been given. I mean that sincerely because I feel that the Lord has given me all my friends.

Three friends from before school began, elementary school and 7th grade. These are my "golden" friends. Friends from college and Illinois church or Christian group connections. Several of these folks are "reconnects"--people I lost touch with and found via online searches within the last ten years or so. The rest are Virginia friends I've met since moving here in 1976. Through work, OT communities, fellow parents in my kids' schools, volunteering, investment club and church I've made so many friends. My responsibility is to keep the communication going and friendships energized.
This takes many forms: letter writing, social media, blogging, phone calls, group outings and 1-1 meet ups. When I had more energy my husband and I had folks over for dinner quite frequently and hosted small groups in our home, but now the "big" cooking is reserved for holiday dinners with family and friends. I gave up holiday cards over ten years ago and only occasionally send out an annual letter, usually in the summer. However, letter writing to friends and some family is very important to me.

Over the last few years my focus has been on nurturing friendships and gradually forming new ones. It's so easy to lose a friend, through neglect or saying something stupid that cannot be forgotten. I also think that there is a tendency to listen less as a person gains life experience. That is surely true in my case.

I've tried so many things--alternating jewelry to remind me that today is a quiet day (red ring) and tomorrow (green ring) I can talk freely. Don't laugh, those rings worked pretty well at keeping my verbosity under wraps.

Before I see a friend I think about what we discussed the last time we were together, what any kids of theirs are doing and what they're interested in. Before parties I review the names of people's children so I can ask questions and include the names of their kids or mutual friends. Last week one of my friends said, "How do you remember all those things?" while we were discussing our fun Black Friday trip to Gloucester, VA last year. It's easier when I refresh my cloudy memory before getting together. The real reason I do it is to demonstrate that I care and I listen. I do care, but I'm a pretty poor listener sometimes.

People often cite the 80/20 rule to make all kinds of points so here's my take on it, related to being a good friend and a good listener. When you sit down with someone 1-1 or find yourself in a small group where the conversation partners change during the course of the lunch or party, spend 80% of the time listening and 20% sharing something about your own life. If possible, make it even less than 20%.  This week I read "Rouge Lawyer" by Grisham and this quote in Chapter 7 says it all:  "...and I keep chatting away.  I soon realize, though, that she follows the one rule of a great conversationalist:  Keep the other person talking."

If a friend tells you a horror story about parking at the mall say, "Oh no!" and then keep listening. Clamp your hand over your mouth if needed but don't follow up with your own parking horror story. You may think of your story as sharing but another person may perceive it as something else. Everyone loves to hear themselves talk; let them. At least on odd days.

If you get frustrated with not sharing enough, start journaling or blogging. I kept a therapy blog for eight years because I realized I was too frequently telling my colleagues all the cool stuff I saw teachers doing in schools; I saw wonderful things almost every day and desperately needed to inform the world. There's somebody in Alaska or Australia who will love reading your ideas; I'm not kidding.

When I am interested in getting to know a new person I ask her along to an outing with other friends. She meets a wider circle of people that way and it's less intimidating than getting to know someone 1-1. In the same vein, I may ask an established friend to come along to a group outing so she will have more folks to tell her favorite stories to or share her strong opinions. Don't you sometimes feel a little drained by a good friend's frequently unhappy outlook on life or their favorite topics of discussion? By keeping in touch with some friends via group events I feel a little less stressed after our time together. I'm not going to give them up because we have so much shared history and I still care for them.

One of the key skills listed in my Rubric for Retirement is "Prepares supports for fulfilling social interactions." Friendship is immeasurably important for a joyful life. I think it's worth a little work on my part.