Keeping Friendships Alive

A good friend of mine recently brought up how easy it is to lose contact with friends back home when you move to another state.  The following essay I wrote awhile back came to mind because she and I discussed several of these ideas as we mulled over the dynamics of friendships, present and past.

Have you ever sat across the table, or taken a long drive with a friend or loved one and wondered to yourself, “We used to have so much to talk about, what happened?”

It could be a relationship between you and a long-term boyfriend, college friends during a “girls” weekend or your spouse.  It’s easy to coordinate itineraries, choose day-trip destinations based on established favorites (outlet shopping! horse country!) and update each other on events that took place since the last time you spoke--but are you still having those occasional, meaty heart-to-heart discussions you once so often shared?

People change their interests and this is especially apparent with long-term friendships and family relationships.  It often occurs with folks who have worked together for years and now one has moved to a new company or left the work force.  The elements that cemented their relationship, such as dealing with huge workloads, working while still have kids at home or crazy administrators are no longer affecting one-half of the twosome.  Yet, they still may have mutual non-work interests that function as the glue in their friendship.  I have a good friend from my former job who is a 180 from me in terms of politics, social ethics and faith-based views yet she is at the top of my list for day-trips due to her acute interest in art, fine crafts and discovering eclectic lunch spots.  We talk nonstop, about once a year, and are so happy when our next adventure day comes around.

Along with the stereotypical grandparent types who are reported to talk only about their grandchildren, people sometimes focus their conversations narrowly upon just a few subjects:  declining morality, their travels, political news or the shortcomings of their spouses.  I talk too much about what I’ve been organizing lately, forgetting that my family and friends have heard countless versions of the same stories over and over.  It’s hard to remember that other people are not passionate about the same things I am and that it’s my job as a caring human being to ask them about their favorite things.  Pretty much, that’s why I like to write about the topics I care so much about, because the reader can decide to stop “listening” without having to think of an excuse.  I’ll never know you changed the screen or put down that essay I enthusiastically mailed to you. 

But what about when it’s a spouse or another person with whom you spend lots and lots of time?  What about when their interests tire and eventually irritate you?  When you don’t want to hear every detail about Anna Goryaschova's costumes in Carmen or the newest cat video or how many times a former presidential candidate has fallen down during her travels?  I think the first step is to remember that they are probably a little weary of my favorite things, too.

I remember, so vividly, the dull conversation during meals at our table growing up.  My mom excelled in what I know now to describe as “spatial skills.”  She could visualize and complete hands-on tasks like sewing designer clothes as well as home furnishings.  Not just so-so, but with excellent skill.  She could also plan and create flower and vegetable gardens, knowing how everything would look and how much produce could be expected at season’s end.  Her physical coordination for sports was superb and she loved talking about the Bulls, Bears and Cubs.

My dad was strong but wanted to rest after working outdoors all day in his plumbing and lawn sprinkler businesses. He just wanted to relax and watch TV or read detective and science books; not just science fiction but chemistry and other textbooks.  He also taught himself early computer languages.  He was eloquent, loved conversing with anyone who enjoyed the same subjects he did and admired educated people.  When he monologued to my mom about his favorite subjects, all she could do was listen because she had no background or interest.  And, he had only a cursory interest in what she thought about all day.

How do you deepen friendship or family connectedness as life goes on?  I think we must accept that the other person is going to branch out in their interests and that it may surprise us where those branches grow.  I never imagined that my husband would one day coordinate buses for a protest in D.C. and I would venture a guess that he would have never expected me to start an educational stock market club for women.  I had not listened to jazz music until I drove my teen son to flute lessons and he explained the new-to-me music on the radio during all those drives there and back.  Hey, my teen talking to me about something he enjoyed—you better believe I ate up every word! 

Before I had artist friends I never knew that I could have beautiful arts and crafts on my walls and shelves, for affordable prices.  Have you ever visited a gallery with a friend who knows about art?  It’s a whole different experience than what you sit through in school or try to learn on your own.  Thank you, Susan, for explaining how the Masters painted water in glasses.  I could stare at that detail of a painting for hours now.

I’m in relationships with my husband and friends for the long haul and have to admit that I do use some behavioral tricks to “reward” my husband’s interest in topics other than the ones which drive me crazy.  So far eye contact, or absence of it, has worked well and I’m not averse to using M&M’s, if need be.  But, there’s more I can do.

Maybe we can spend more time doing fun things that we both like, or at least that we both will tolerate. Drives to explore new towns, hiking in the Blue Ridge or even going to a movie together; then, bringing up little memories from the outings when there’s a lull in future conversations.  Remembering the things we enjoyed, together.  Politely ignoring the topics that make me want to jump out the car window.

So, old friends and new, when I start droning on about how I loooove organizing and what project I’m working on now, just look around at the pretty spring flowers or ask my about my grand-dogs.  If it gets really bad you might need to wave a few M&M's in front of me.  I’ll take the hint, eventually.

Note:  These lovely murals delighted a childhood buddy and me this past week, while we explored shops in Short Pump, near Richmond, VA.