The Hard Work of Friendship

Quick, can you recall the names of your best friends in high school???

Looking back over the past year and a half, would you say you have:

1. The same number of good friendships as before, or

2. Fewer meaningful friendships than prior to the pandemic, or

3. Some friendships have become less committed but I’ve made some new friends during this difficult time.

If you feel like you have fewer good friends than before, or may have been a less devoted friend to folks than you wanted to be, I hope some of the following ideas may be helpful to you as you re-kindle your relationships and maybe develop additional ones.

First, the hard part--

Friendships are based on giving and receiving, but the balance of those two actions is always teetering from one side of the equation to the other. Oftentimes, it seems like you are doing most of the “giving.” I’ll tell you a secret, though, the other person in the friendship equation usually feels like she is doing most of the “giving,” too.

Do you find yourself doing almost all of the calling, planning, arranging, conducting of your times together with friends? You might be a leader. You might be the creative person in the room. You might be the one who hears about a fun coffee shop and thinks, “I think Nicole would like to go there, I’ll give her a call.” But, you wish someone else would pick up the baton and run with the ideas and planning, once in a while. That might happen later, or hardly at all, so keep doing the orchestrating until it does. Friendship isn’t about requiring “even” effort from each person. It’s about encouraging and enjoying each other. My friends almost always say “Yes” to invites and seem to have a rollicking time when we’re together, so I keep doing the majority of the planning. Every now and then someone else takes the lead and that’s so...much...fun!

Second, another hard part--

Friendships are based on relishing the other person. That means complimenting them on their appearance, their ideas, their fighting through struggles. It’s about encouraging them and about being interested in what interests them. And, that strongly means, that we should aim to talk about ourselves sparingly.

Many of us are nervous about silence and that produces a lot of jabber. Enduring jabbering trails of consciousness makes the listener’s mind go numb and clogs up communication. After meeting some new folks one morning at church my daughter pulled me aside and told me that I was going on and on and she could see the other people tuning out, but still acting politely. What a wake-up call.

Aim to talk less than anyone else in the group. Say encouraging things but refrain from telling yet another story from your life that relates to what the other person just said.

Prep before you get together and think about the person—their kids, their interests, what they talked about the last time you got together—what would you like to ask them to catch up now? Be ready to give a quick update on your family and interests when asked. Sure, take a turn telling something “meaty” that you’ve been doing or been thinking about, but keep it concise. Remember the idea of composing an “elevator speech” that takes 15-30 seconds to share? Write your own before your next outing with friends. We don’t realize how much we talk, at least I don’t.

Make it your aim to walk away from each time spent with another person with at least one of these thoughts in your head, “Wow, I didn’t know they felt that way, were interested in, were so passionate about XYZ.”

Good buddies over the years

And now, for the best part of the post, here is an audio essay by my son-in-law, Gordon. Listen and learn what he thinks about the importance of having friendships with other men, especially after going through the pandemic year of 2020.

https://soundcloud.com/gordoncollier/friendship