Love the Person, Cope With the Complainer

 It's been a trying year and a half we've gone through and it's not always easy to look on the sunny side of things on a daily basis. Some folks find it particularly difficult to see the sunshine anywhere they look and you may interact with a person like that at work or even one living in your home.

If you're like me you want to make them feel better. Heck, you want to make everyone feel better. It's frustrating and exhausting when you find that your efforts don't work and the next day, even the next minute, of your relationship with them goes back to their negative baseline. But, you keep on keepin' on.

Now, if you switched gears and agreed with them, they'd probably be happier. Misery loves company, right? Sure, it's a breeze to complain about the weather, the country, shortages on grocery shelves, the rising price of a barrel of oil--I'd never run out of material for conversation. And, I'd feel awful and icky afterward. Yet, it would make them feel like you cared more, were more realistic, were less "other side" than you were when you tried to be upbeat.

What to do? Here are some tips I've learned over the past 18 months, gleaned from reading books and articles on the subject. When I follow them I feel better and more myself. When I don't I feel defeated and down. See if any might work for you, if you find yourself interacting with a perpetually negative person on a frequent basis:

To comments about world news, try saying:

I'm sorry

That's terrible

Horrible

I'm sorry it weighs on you so much

I'm sorry it makes you upset

Pick one response, say it kindly, then stop talking. If necessary, say one more from the list and then stop talking. Keep using the same phrases and don't worry about creating new ones. It helps me if I go do something productive, like raking leaves or vacuuming the car.

To general opinions that are negative, try saying:

Any from the list above and also--

So sad

It makes you upset, doesn't it?

It's hard to be positive when you hear things like that

Avoid environments where unpleasant interactions have previously occurred, such as breakrooms, the TV room, being close to the person when they are on the phone or looking at the news on the computer. You are avoiding the negative, upset tone you might hear in the person's voice that can produce turmoil in your emotions.

When friends casually ask how the person is doing:

Have a quick, positive reply handy, "She's keeping busy in the garden and enjoying day trips with friends."

Determine ahead of time to not share tales of woe about living/working with the person. This causes you to rehash your feelings and also for your friend to potentially ask you the same question at a later time, to see if things are better. Remember, your friends might be similar to you and feel that it's their job to make you feel better.

You may wonder, why not just ask the unhappy person to not bring up the subjects that cause so much emotion? This is exactly the right thing to do. Ask for what you want.

We can't control anyone else, right? We ask for what we want and the other person might work on adapting their behavior because they don't want you to be upset. Habits are hard to change, however. It takes lots of practice and time.

Having coping strategies in place will make it easier to live or work with a person you care for, when they are complaining about topics that trigger their negative emotions. We can still be ourselves, have our own opinions and also care for them.

And we have to cope somehow; otherwise, we'll all go crazy.